Don't Care
by Little Miss Jigsaw
Summary: I just don't care any more. The color from my life is gone. Gone with him, and I can't bring it back. Oneshot. Character death. Spuffy. Please r&r.


Just now finished writing this... Sorry if it makes no sense... But it was inspired by the work of a friend, hence the oddness. But, i felt the urge to post it anyway.

I took great pains to name no names in this. I didn't even want to use "watcher" or "vampire", but I really had no choice.

Anyway, as strange as this thing may be, I hope you enjoy.

Don't Care

I run my fingers over the wrinkled comforter of my bed, and watch the sunlight slowly fade from the sky. Rays of light dance across the walls, and floor, and even on my bed.

I barely notice. I don't notice much anymore. Not the passing of time, not the voices of the other people in the house, nor the pounding of teenage feet as they walk past my door.  
I don't notice that for what seems like the millionth time that day, tears are running down my cheeks.I glance towards the mirror- my hair is dirty, unkempt, my clothes are far too loose, as I haven't been eating, my eyes are bloodshot, my face tearstained- and sigh regretfully. I realize, barely, that I am a shadow of my former self...

Nothing more than a shell. It's like everything that made me, me, is gone. Dead.

I hear the television, downstairs. They're talking about the crater again. The crater where my home used to be. Where I lived for seven years, and watched my friends go through hard times, and good times...  
Where several of my friends were once buried, where my mother was buried. Now their bodies are gone, lost in the rubble.I listen for a moment, and hear that people are still searching for a logical explanation for why a town suddenly collapsed, and smile.It isn't a happy smile. It's one that if they could see, would be asking 'why bother?'. They'll never find a logical explanation. It would be easier finding a logical reason for why I am the way I am now.

The sound is suddenly gone. Someone's turned the tv off. I'm almost grateful. Thinking about my home inevitably leads to thoughts of _him._ I realize with a choked laugh that I just thought of him anyway, and fresh tears start.  
How long has it been? Days? Weeks? Months even? Hell, it could have been years, and I don't think I would have noticed. I stopped caring, when the realization that he was gone hit me.

I don't think I have left my room since we arrived here. I don't remember, anymore. The days blur together, as if they were all the same. My friends have stopped trying to get me to come out now.  
They know I won't listen. I hear some of the girls talking in their room, when they think I'm asleep. They think I've gone over the edge comepletely. Maybe I have, but I couldn't be bothered to care.The light is nearly gone now, and I sigh, only a tad upset by it. It's not as if I'm not used to it. Every good thing in my life seems to fade away into darkness, why should the sunlight be any different?

I vaguely hear my sister call me, tell me that dinner's ready. I call back that I'm not hungry. I'm not sure if I actually say the words though.  
My lips move, but I don't think sound comes out. I haven't said a word since I said his name, at the edge of the crater... Haven't made a sound.I even cry in silence, now. I hear murmurs, as someone walks by my door. No doubt they're saying what they always say. I'm crazy. I'm trying to starve myself. I'm too depressed. I want to die.

Maybe all those things are true... I find that I _just don't care. _I don't care if I live, I don't care if I die. I'm stuck somewhere in between the two, anyway.

Not really living, I'm just wasting away, but I'm still breathing, still have a beating heart. Not that the latter two count for much. After all, he, my jealous vampire champion, didn't have a beating heart...  
He breathed, sure, but it was because he'd never learned not to, not out of any need for oxegyn. I laugh emotionlessly as I come to the conclusion that I'm now every bit as dead, and soulless as I once told him he was.But in truth, he was always more alive, despite being dead. He had a lust for life, that I couldn't grasp, especially after I came back from the dead the second time... After I clawed my way out of my own grave, crazy, and ready to kill myself all over again.

My vampire, he brought me back from that. Made me feel alive again. And I never even realized how much he helped, until he'd left town.

But he came back. He was the only one who came back. Sure, the others came back... but it was only for short times... And he was the only one who came back for _me._ He came back to me, soul and all.

I lie back on the bed... Or was I already lying down? I can't really tell. I don't know half of my own movements anymore. I run my hand through my hair. No longer is it the shining blonde locks that earned me the nickname "Goldilocks".  
He loved to call me that, and I hated it. Or, I used to. Or maybe I never really did, and I just wanted to. I remember, I cut my hair once, when he first started calling me that, but it didn't stop him.

The last shades of color are fading from the sky now... Color. Color's gone from my life now, as if when he died (the second time around) he took it all with him. I look at my reflection again, and realize the color is gone from me, too.  
My eyes are dull, and lifeless, my clothes seem grey, my skin is pale, devoid of the tan I once had. There's a knock on my door. I ignore it. I hear my sister, and my watcher, pleading with me to come out. But I won't.  
I've found my place. I've finally descended into the solitude and darkness that he once said I belonged in. I may not have back then, and I may not now, but I'm there, nonetheless. Darkness, loneliness, bitterness, they're all my companions now.  
There are a few more knocks, and a few more useless reasons for why I should come out. Then they give up. I want to come back to them... To go back into the light... to be like I used to be, but I can't. Somehow it seems like it would be a betrayal to him.

Sometime later, I don't know how long, but my clock says midnight, there's a sound outside my door. It wouldn't be my sister, or my watcher, or any of the others in the house. Not at this hour. Even they aren't that persistant.  
Confused, I rise from the bed, and walk towards the door, mechanically. All my movements are like that... robotic, lifeless. As I reach for the doorknob, a bit of moonlight reflects off the shining burn scar on the back of my hand.  
I remember how I got it.

_I grasp his hand, and ignore the searing pain as our hands catch fire. The pain disappears, when I meet his eyes, and get lost in them. Those crystal-clear impossibly saphire blue eyes of his. The cavern was falling down around us.  
We didn't notice. We didn't care. The fire gains heat. I don't feel it. All I feel is-_

Cold, hard metal. The way the doorknob feels in my hand is pretty similiar to my life now. Cold, and hard. I turn the knob, prepared to give whatever kind of glares I had to, to make whoever was outside go away. After all. I'd made it clear.  
I didn't want help. Didn't need it. Didn't need comforting. I didn't care enough to want comforting. I slowly, tiredly, pull the door open. He looms over me, and the smell of leather, and smoke hit me like a hammer. I'm not really surprised to see him.  
I've seen him so many times before, in my dreams, when I do manage to sleep. I've come to expect him, because I know why he's here. I move out of the way, and he sweeps past me, leather duster snapping slightly.  
I don't question why he could come into the house with no invite, any more than I question why he's here. He just is.

I sit on my bed, moving slowly, almost afraid that if I moved quickly he would disappear. "I missed you," it's difficult to say the words. I've gone so long without speaking, that saying something is actually hard.

"I know, Kitten," he replies, "I've been watchin' you. Why are you blockin' 'em out?"

"They don't need me... Not anymore," I inform him. It's the truth. The girls, my sister, my friends, they don't need me anymore. I'm not the only one who can protect them, now.

"But they want you, love. They want you back," his heart really isn't behind the words. He's just arguing because he feels he needs to. "You belong with them, in th' light, pet. You can live a normal life now."

I chuckle. It's a hollow sound, "If this is normal, I don't want it..."

"You're wastin' away, my love... You should be dead now..."

"Then why am I not?" I ask, bitterly.

"I'm here t' give you a choice on that matter, ducks," he replies softly. He says nothing more. I know what the choice is. I've known since I opened my door to see him standing there.

I look up, and I meet his eyes, "I choose you," I tell him, with no hesitation. I know he knows what I was going to say. I can see it written on his face. It's been my choice since the day he died. Died to save the world.

"Close your eyes then, pet," he says, kneeling in front of me.

I obey, and I suddenly feel so very very tired. And all I want is to go to sleep. Weeks of no sleep, little food, and constant depression suddenly catch up to me.

I feel him wrap his arms around me, and push me back on my bed, and joins me, never letting me leave his embrace. My friends are going to miss me, and so will my sister, and maybe the girls...

But, I find yet again, I don't care.

I sacrificed alot, for them to live... It's time I did something for me. Just for me. Let them deal with the next apocalypse. I've handled six. Only two managed to kill me. But I came back.

Maybe it's true that the third time's the charm. I'll miss them all, of course. But I can make it, and so will they. They'll live without me. They'll move on. Some of them did before.

I feel safe, and warm, and alive, in my ghost lover's arms. Ironic that I should feel alive now. Now, as for the third and final time, I take my last breath. I smile slightly, as I exhale, knowing what awaits me. They'll find me tomorrow, alone.  
Some might think it's for the best. But they'll be alright. I start to leave my body, and my smile grows larger. I finish my last breath in the arms of a lover no one else will know was there.  
I finish my last breath with a truly happy smile on my face, for I feel truly alive in that moment.

As I die, I find myself back in the light that I thought I had lost. The light I had so longed to see again. And he is by my side the whole time. Like he will be, forever more.

END

I hope no one is confused by the end of this...


End file.
